Where Jonah keeps his stuff

(It may need some editing, but its been long overdue and I'm lazy)

 

"How many times have I sat on the balcony like this, contemplating my thoughts?"

 

There I am at 2am, enjoying a cigarette like I always do. Looking into the beautiful clear night sky.  I can see the crescent shape of the moon peaking behind its own shadow.  "It really is backwards on this side" I'd say to myself.  I raise my hand up to the moon as if to catch it in the palm of my hand.  The cigarette smoke gently passes thru my fingertips and into the chilled night air.

 

I look to my right and I can see the neon lights of the prostitute district.  Faint shadows and sillouettes walk casually up and down the stone staircase unknown that there was someone in that still night counting their heads like sheep.  An ambulance would screech from around the street corner, blasting its siren, turning about wildly and then whining its high pitched squeal.  As quickly as it appeared, the sound of it would wane in the distance. 

 

"So this is Japan?" I'd say to myself again, like I did the previous night and the night before that.  My arm raised on the balcony railing, leaning casually perpendicular with my head nesting in my hand.  I've been here almost 5 months and this is just part of my routine.  I've done this cigarette-on-the-balcony thing countless times. I've looked up to the moon and pondered the stories of every person that walks in and out of that whore district. 

 

At some point, I'm not sure when, I'd come to realize that any place becomes liveable.  Each complete with there own highs and lows to every decision,  but I guess I lucked out that this has been one of my better ones.  At least now I have a chance to scratch my mind on paper.

 

Looking behind me, I can see the light glow of the computer monitor.  Several windows blinking in unison on the bottom of the screen.  MSN messages that I'd dismissed because I wanted to enjoy my cigarette.  One from Marcus, one from Vicky, Chris, Gerard, Jovie, even my brother.   Looking at these names I reflect on those different parts of my life that had essentially gotten me here.  University life, Toronto life, Family life, even my Love life.  All of which seem almost non-existent.  Just pale shadows of something that at one point were important to me, but somewhere I'd forgotten the reason why.  I remember running away from something, I can also remember running towards something.  It all becomes a blur somewhere, perhaps it was when I went into a different timezone, or maybe it was when I lit up a cigarette, my thoughts racing back and forth through my mind behind each drag.  I was always the person trying to figure things out and I just got to the point where I didn't want to explain them anymore. 

 

I remember it going to the point where I thought about of everything.  Every random thought or thing I've ever read. I've thought about it! I've thought about ghosts, which can be explained by psychology and hallucinations.  Aliens, even which can be deduced thru the spontaneous combustion of plasma.  Curses and witchcraft, which are just archetypical minus placebo effects that arise during obsession.  I've come to be that person that has a theory about everything. 

 

I found myself becoming one of those people that I dislike the most.  The kind that are always rationalizing and trying to make sense out of everything, instead of just letting it go like any regular person.  Somehow I just started to annoy myself and realized that even if I'd say things like "I'm no longer afraid of death" or "I'm not afraid of the consequences of my actions". What I really meant to say at those times was that I was just afraid of living and taking responsibility.

 

But at the same time I can remember that life in Toronto. I'd just put too much faith into other people to find out that each time I was just letting myself get burned.  Finally, after the last time, I guess I just snapped.  So here I am in Japan.  Finding out everything for myself.  Learning how to walk again.  But this time without the help of anyone else, only able to simply put faith into every step towards the right direction.

 

Before coming to Japan I can remember so many days thinking of ways to change my life.  All of which would probably have left me feeling less of a man, or at the least more dependent on something deep down I didn't want.

 

At this point I think my only hope is, that when it comes time to leave here, I can only take responsibility and maybe leave here a better person.  Strangely, in the end I can see that it comes down to one thing....

 

....  It goes back to this simple feeling that I long for...

 

That one feeling...that I can say that  "I don't need anyone else to be happy."

 

It may seem a bit selfish, I know! And I don't mean it to be.  I'll pay for it in the end if I'm wrong. 

But, in any case, I already put myself into an existence where I won't let myself cry.

 

So I hate people. 

People are boring.  I mean, I came to Japan and I met a shiet load of people to find out that 3/4's of them are actually deusch bags.

I hardly like any of the ones that speak english and only a handful of them actually have something meaningful to say.

 

Sometimes I look at the people at work and I say to myself  "what kind of deep thoughts have you had?".  I mean, I look at middle aged men around work and I wonder what paralyzing in-depth concepts have they come up?  I look at the fresh faced younger looking ones and wonder if they'll ever have the chance to ask themselves those heave life changing questions.  What realities have you created for yourself? What picture perfect melo-drama have you casted yourself as the star?  and most importantly, what have you done to overcome it? 

 

I haven't had an intellectually stimulating conversation in what feels like a life time.  I find myself in an environment where everyone my age or younger, doesn't have enough depth in character to be interesting and the older ones who may have had something to say, lost their depth in character and are just hollow versions of themselves living life as a mundane routine.  Which by the way, I promise I will never be like. 

 

At this point and in light of events, I'm forced to ask myself a few more questions. 

 

Have I changed so much while I've been in Japan, that I've become careless of peoples needs?

The world I left behind in Canada.  I wonder, has it changed so much that I can never go back to it?

 

...... Have I finally been forgotten or replaced?

 

 

 

So I've decided to make this week a double feature week for blogs.

 

Mostly, cuz I've had a bad week.  Scratch that, I've had a horrible week. 

 

and maybe I'm writing this out of anger or maybe the fact that I'm completely being a victim here.  But I dont really give a shiet about that anymore.  Maybe I'm writing this cuz somehow it'll make me feel better about this whole thing.  I'm hardly ever emotional like this and I know I'm being a jerk or even not completely myself.  It happens though and I don't think I've actually ever met someone that can cheer me up when I get like this. 

 

In any case, I've written in the past that I hate useless advice.  Advice thats recited countless times, cuz it just seems to be the right thing to say.  I know sometimes I've played into that role myself, but somehow in the very end I'm still able to put a smile on someones face.  How do I do that?  F*ck if I know.  Maybe its the amount of effort I pour into it, the amount of jokes I make to ease the tension, maybe I'm secretly passionate about normality and would to anything to help people get back to that state.... *sigh

 

Point is, is that whatever it is I do for other people to make them feel better about things,  I really wanna know is why is it impossible for them to do that for me? Are my problems worth less than yours?

 

Sure, I know I'm a difficult person to deal with sometimes, especially in cases like this, where I would rant furiously or argue about things that have no relevance, but has it gotten to the point where people won't even put an effort to try to make sense to me.  They just pretend to listen and give half-hearted advice.  Am I such an inconvinience, the few times, when I'm genuinely upset? Or has it happened numerous of times, that I've lost count?  Have I been made redundant?

 

Anyways, I know I'm playing the victim. I mean, it is so much more easier, everyone kinda does it naturally I guess.

But the difference is, is that when I have a friend that's a victim, I'm usually there doing something.

However, it's different when I'm a victim, cuz I don't see any shoulder to cry on.  SOO f*ck everyone thats ever needed my help with something and they can't return the favor.  I'll do this on my own. 

 

 

It's been a strange week and I think I've decided it's official....  I am a robot!

 

Lately, I've been thinking about how I live my life and how I got this way.  I live in Japan, detached from absolutely EVERYTHING! even the things that are important to people that being family and friends. 

Did I choose this way? or did the events of the world make me this way?  I've been trying to figure it out.

I mean,  I'm sure somewhere in my lifetime I decided that I wanted to be free, not just the freedom to choose between a large or small diet coke, being able to smoke different brands of cigarettes, (as most people like to think what freedom is.)  But its more than just that! 

 

I wanted freedom that couldn't be defined by human standards.  I want to make a completely free choice that wasn't bound by laws, duties, or obligations, relationships, or anything else.  I wanna be fucking Zen!. 

 

For some reason I thought being by myself was necessary.  Going where I please, seeing the world with my own eyes, which is more capable of what most people are able to do.  I can make friends with anyone and I know a bit about everything.  Suffice to say, I feel I'm equipped to handle pretty much every situation.  Or well.. I thought I was.....

 

I'm just not prepared as much as I thought... not for this.  This ongoing pursuit I have has led me to a point where I can feel myself lose touch with things that I thought I'd never lose touch with.  As free as I want to make myself think I am, I still don't have the power or the capacity to go where I want to be. 

 

Instead I'm stuck here, not being able to be with people that need me.  So I have no choice but to be a robot.  Because I don't even know whats going on anymore.  Maybe this is just a crazy rant.  Or I just don't know what I'm talking about. 

 

But, for anyone who reads this and I seem a little distant, detached, or unsympathetic.  Overall just plain indifferent.  It's because it's the easiest way to get over the hardest parts in your life. 

 

It's strange saying that, because I was already pretty good at doing it..   but I just know that this is just a whole different level.

When it comes to death, I have to admit I become detached.  I shed a single tear, offer what prayers that I can, and I look the other way. 

I try to think back to how I became like this, but I can't really be sure.

 

I remember when my Grandmother passed away I was in Ottawa at the time.  I did mostly the same thing as I'm doing now, which is wishing I was there with my family so that could possibly feel what they were feeling and at least suffer with them.  I want to offer what support I can for them.  But now that its happened again with my cousin, but this time I find myself in different country.  Much of what has happened I feel I can only deal with death the only way I know how at the moment.

 

Detachment.  I shed a single tear, offer what prayers that I can, and then I look the other way. 

I was never good with sympathisizing, and I'm pretty sure I've gotten to the point in my life where I'm going to have this certain demeanor for the rest of my life. 

 

 

Aiight I've been here for just over 2 months and I'm due for a blog in February.  Plus I've been lazy and I haven't had a chance to chronicle my feelings like I used to.  Mostly cuz I don't have any feelings anymore, but I do have interesting thoughts and views. Oh Yeah!

 

So here we go.  This is what is wrong with me!!  In Japan I'm an english teacher, that works for a total deusch bag that is my supervisor.  There's something else you need to know is that work is full of these anti-social deusch bags.  *sigh. 

Strangely, I've also had this strange urge to narrate my life and talk shiet about everyone else around them.  Its quite fun really!

On top of that, I'm narcissistic, I'm pessimistic, I'm obsessive, and I'm insecure.  And its come to the point that I'm starting to notice that I'm so afraid of intimacy that every one of my relationships is a journey of self-sabotage that inevitably ends in a black vacuum of shattered expectations and despair.   Which is a lot of fun too!  And in reality, the only way I can get excited about a relationship because I love it when it gets complicated. 

 

So, anyways, thats my two cents for this month and for awhile.  In any case, I feel its always more important to point out the problem and know what it is before I'm able to fix it.

 

 

So I lost weight, I quit gambling, I'm ridiculously clean, I cook my own meals, I have more than enough people that enjoy my company.  I have a steady job, consistent with my studies, and girls still seem to love me. 

 

I don't really miss anyone, or at least to the point where I'm compelled to do anything about it.  Suffice to say is that I miss them enough.  I'm comfortble with being on my own.  I can enjoy myself without the company of others, or rather I can find someone to nothing with.  Amazingly I've come to be the person that people know its good to have around, since I manage to find some kind of hook up that they'll need.  Moreover, I think that last thing has to do more with my filipino connections I've made here.  It's true.  Being filipino, you kind of have the backdoor to everything. 

 

In any case, I look at the person I was before I came here.  And I can't believe that I almost became the person that would settle down.  The friends I have in Canada who know me best, saw it coming.  They knew, I like living in a fast-paced life and being in any place long enough would make me unhappy.  I can't think of living in a place where I saw the same faces everyday, the same people, expecting the same routine.  I could only pull that off maybe a year at a time.  Because I've noticed I'm so insatiable, I think to myself that maybe in that sense, I've never matured, but then I think again and perhaps I've always been like this and I'm starting to accept and realize that its something about me that will never change. 

 

I can change my diet, the number of cigarettes I smoke, how clean I am, my study habits, even the people I chill with.  But regardless of all that, I can't see myself standing still.

 

"The more things change, the more things stay the same"

 

I apologize to all my readers.  I haven't had the opportunity to blog for the last little while.  Okay fine! You got me.  I don't really give a shiet about writing anymore.  Mostly because I only write stuff down when I'm not content with life. 

Suffice to say, I'm probably more content now because I've actually been to busy to feel sorry for myself.  In any case, I've decided to write this down to let people know what I've been thinking lately.

 

 

In any case, I just spent my first holidays without family, which was very unpleasant.  I don't suggest anyone to try that.  I also spent New Years in Beijing with my buddy Marcus, which was actually pretty exciting.  Except for maybe the part where it got cold.  That was fucked up!Last, but not least my birthday just passed.  Which too be honest, I can never remember the last time I enjoyed it.  Mind you I did get trashed and shiet faced.  But its not like I wanted that to happen.  It kinda just did.  Btw, Don't play drunken JanKenPo (Paper Rock Scissors) with the Japanese.  You'll end up walking home drunk and penniless.

 

In any case, I usually use my birthday as an opportunity to think and reflect on that past year.  In short, this is what I've come up with.

 

After living in Japan for just more than a month, I've come to notice that I'm pretty much living the same kind of lifestyle that I did in Toronto.  I mean, I've always been the kind of guy that floats around like a social butterfly.  Easily accepted in different social circles.  I've become the guy that strangely knows everybody around the block and is primarily the envy of everybody else.  For that reason I'm pretty sure people secretly loath me as well, but numbers don't lie right?  "Jonah, how do you know all these people?",  is the question that people seem to ask me a lot of the time.  Just like in Toronto, where I had my Sauga friends, Markham friends, Scarbs peeps, Toronto peeps, Brampton peeps.  I find myself in the same kind of predicament.  I have my Tin's hall friends, my work friends, my ozzie friends, my Igosso friends, my japanese class friends, and the random japanese girl that I just happened to pick up at the bar that night. 

 

Anyways, a long time ago, I wrote that I became this kind of person mainly because I always kind of felt displaced from everyone else and I could never really find comfort in hanging out with any particular one person or group of people.  After re-thinking it recently, I'm starting to think that the real reason that I get along with so many people is actually the opposite.  Its not because I'm displaced or different from everyone else, but actually it's because I find it exceptionally easier to relate to everyone around me instead.  I mean, I can be the biggest geek or the coolest guy, depending who it is I'm talking to.  I just know a little about everything or if I don't, then I know the right questions to ask to make it seem like I know.  I just naturally seem to know. 

 

In the past,  I've jokingly called myself a social genius, but now I'm actually starting to believe it myself.  The Japanese friends I've met so far already gave me a nickname, "Nanpa no Tensai", which means, Genius of Picking up girls.  I dunno how that came along.  I mean, I know I have this certain charm with people, or some kind of friendliness to me.  I just had no idea that it crossed cultural boundaries.  Seriously, just like with Spider-man, great power comes with great responsibility.  So far I've just been using my power to homewreck relationships.  There's gotta be some kind of benefit to this.  I just got figure out what.

 

Hmmm.....

 

 

(Video footage pending)

 

Day 5:

 

I hung out and spent the night with my roommate and his friends.  I gotta tell you.  They're fucking crazy.  We went to a place called 280 Bar, where everything is ofcourse, 280 Yen.   I met the other various branch NOVA teachers, whose backgrounds range from Australia, England, and California, Boston, and some guys from Toronto.  (Although they're not really from Toronto.  They're from Peterborough and Woodbridge.  Fucking liars!). 

 

After hanging out with them and talking with them, I gotta tell you.  I'm starting to see the darkside of being an english teacher in Japan. 

They just party hard and spend money frivilously, and go home with different partners.  Too be honest its quite pathetic, yet strangely intriguing.  I mean, get this!  One of the guys I met is a real gigolo on the side.  I shiet you not!  Cool guy mind you, but he just has that air of sleaze around him. 

 

Day ?? :

 

I've been here for more than one week, I went to work and to my pleasant surprise there was a break battle going on.  (Footage pending).  I think it was called Buzz Style, or something like that.  I bought the towel for 500 Yen, which has bad english writing on it.  It says "Brow up your skills" or something like that.  I dunno...   Too bad I couldn't watch the whole thing though.  I had work fuck! 

 

On another note I went to a bar called Zerro that night, a gai-jin bar.  Chilled out with the Ozzies, Ashleigh, my american friend, the gigolo dude, and met a few nihon-jin there too.  Lots of fun, picked up my first Jgirl too.  Luisa, a half brazilian, half japanese girl.  (I swear half asian girls are gonna be the death of me. *sigh)  I can't remember what I said to her, but it might have been along the lines of free english lessons, I have no idea.  But anyways, I'm not sure I'll call her out.  Just because she came to that bar, by herself.  I mean, who does that? A Jgirl that goes to a gai-jin bar, by herself.  I dunno.. it seems kinda twisted.  It takes a strange character to do that.  I can't be sure she's all there.  Meh.  She's cute, but beauty is a light switch away, and I had beer goggles, and well yea... 

 

Anyways, thats about it for now. 

 

I'll update everyone soon.